2021 in a Blogpost

Yet another end of a year, I quite like these cliche moments we take time to reflect a little harder of what happened in the year. I had a rather slow year as clearly seen from the inactivity of this blog. Yet, in the time taken to rest (as just Nathan would put it, "just CHILL") it manifested into epiphanies of perspectives I thought I already knew but I realise I couldn't quite get with all the noise by keeping myself busy - it's as if the dust had settled.

I made quite a few obvious changes in my life:

1. I changed my job. A "YOLO" moment for me to be in one of history's monumental events - the Great Reshuffling. I never really had any issues in my previous role, I liked my team & the opportunities I had been given. Yet as a young & single millennial stereotype of that point of time, the lingering thought of "what-if" really got the better of me and I made the switch. Then again, no regrets :)
2. I did not end the year single as a Pringle. LOL. An unexpected encounter from the past. I'm constantly apprehensive about boy-girl relationships after going through a whole lot of shit shows in the past. It's nice to know someone with a shared experience, who understands and accepts and have a shared idea of how we just want to grow up from all our childish tendencies. I'm really lucky lol. 
3. I took a step back trying to be extra productive all the time. Sounds silly to many but it really took me a juggernaut of effort to just CHILL lol. There's always this little voice in my mind "am I doing enough today", I decided to shut that off for a while and do absolutely nothing and dang it was liberating. It's a definitely balancing act to keep one in check time to time.

Additionally, 3 key lessons I learned more wholeheartedly this year:

1. Trust the process. Despite understanding the concept, I find myself constantly succumbing to the idea of instant gratification most times. Progress has to be obvious, it must be seen, like I'm chasing to show increased profits in each quarter of an annual report. Yet, some things takes time. I slowly grasp the concept on marginal gains that often go unnoticed, that when one allows things to progress slowly, things are not that hard and can be easily attainable. I understood what it meant by small wins. Small wins end up amounting to a milestone.
2. It's okay to fail. Sometimes failures are not obvious, especially personal failures - did I do enough today? Did I clean my room today? Did I eat proper meals today? it's easy to brush off these little things because it sounds silly or embarrassing but it meant something to you. Likewise, small failures brushed off amount to the detriment of your own personal self-worth - of not being good enough.
3. Life is not a binary. One of my biggest takeaways being with Nathan is that my emotional intelligence is not that great. Haha okay kidding but is that life is not binary. Life can be malleable, it's okay to have a change of thought, decisions made together as a team, failure is not a turn-off, different situations calls for different responses, the whole plethora of values and ideas. 

In some way, I admit I was pretty embarrassed & afraid to be that person who just gave up, that person who was a one-hit wonder, that person who was only good at school but can't do well in the working world; I always raised the expectation bar for myself. I guess I was afraid what society thought of me. But I guess once you learn to accept your failures properly, it's hard to be shaken by the words of what people have to say and in some way, it's easier to trust the process and mould life in a way that works best for oneself.

Happy New Year :) 

Half-year Review: June 2021

Oh 2021, how you flew. We're now marching on to the halfway mark of the year and boy, a lot had happening since the time I was away from this space. It's almost irrational to believe that everything happened out of pure coincidence.

A few major milestone:

• I did a career switch - an entirely new role (hint: KPIs) in a tech company. It's been a month since I've started and it's definitely been a whole new ball game. Bonus is that I managed to exceed my ramp targets this month ^_^v. 
• I acquired a road bike finally and with it, a cycling buddy-confidante-personal welfare officer-very nice guy- in essence, a partner in all the romantic sense. 
• Ended my rent outside with best #landlordseva and I have since been home. 
• Became a morning person again, as I type this in the wee hours of the night, ironically.. 
• This list is non-exhaustive.

Life at the moment feels rather surreal. It is as if all these micro decisions I have made so far has resulted in the creation of this amalgamation of a picture of my life I can visually see at this very moment. As much as there were many events that happened that were completely out of my control, somehow luck finds itself at midpoint where preparation meets opportunity.

There were a few key things I've learn:

• A growth mindset that we can always learn new things if we take time and effort
• How vital it is to learn to feel feelings: the good and especially, the bad. 
• Being infinitely curious and empathetic makes you a better listener and communicator.
• What it means to be human: a flawed being and that we can constantly making marginal adjustments to improve, adjust and adapt. 
• Creating spaced consistency, in essence learning to pause and rest. And while at it, appreciating the normality of the ordinary and how ordinary be defined so differently to different people. 

Throughout these months, I learned to internalise what it meant that personal fulfilment and success can be non-binary, and completely individualistic. It's still a personal struggle and I'm glad I'm getting somewhere. But what I found is that is so much joy learning in embracing adversities and tackle challenges genuinely rather than to simply accept them begrudgingly. 

The question begs: where's the fun in having everything put together so easily? Doing things would feel like a means to an end.

I like a fun challenge.

Monthly Review: March 2021

I've been away from this space for quite some time now - quite some time if you considered the frequency I've published in 2020. 

My lifestyle took a drastic change; I've been recalibrating my priorities, adjusting how I view life in general and how I've have been doing things. I long for that sense of epiphany again. 

Additionally, I've had a few personal milestones. For one, I'm finally able to drive on my own after having a Class 3 driving's licence for more than half a decade (thank you, me or really, my dad who decided I should be driving), I had the chance to sit at the adult table at work (pretty fun) and I rekindled with an old hobby of mine. I learned to rest, like, completely doing utter nothingness kind of rest.

I learned how to focus on what was important to me, oxymoronically this was a hard topic for me, it was hard to realise for that matter. It felt for a period of time, I was really going through the motion, I had a personal fear that I would wind up becoming that half-hearted lazy person I was during my adolescent years.. that I didn't live up to my potential, that I was afraid of having lost years again. Perhaps I got too carried away with that thought, to a point it got exhausting. 

What or who am I trying to prove? Honestly, no one really gives a ****.

In the short span of 2021, there were quite a number of key lessons I've picked up. I thought I would document them in this space in case I would like to revisit them again (God knows I never ever read my handwritten journals, ever, thanks to ugly handwriting).

1) A tool is only useful if you know how to use it

Saw this on my friend's blog, and dang it was true af. In such a fast paced era we live that has been becoming increasingly competitive, there's this fear of having to stay relevant and marketable. I've seen "coding"," data scientist", "learning language" getting thrown around as if everyone has to be a complete expert in order to stay relevant. Heck, no. From what I've learned, yes they are important but if there's no application, they are as good as obsolete. These newly acquired skills get stashed at the back of your brain, waiting to be forgotten. You kinda just need enough to do what you need (then learn from there) or to properly communicate with others on these topics.

2) The answers are never and will never will be black and white

(FYI. I'm not talking about math here if you think I'm referring to 1+1=2.)

I don't know if it's because of Singaporean's education system or my personal fear to view failure as wasted time, but truly, there's a need to experience that sense of falling short in order to fully understand and appreciate progress. As I've constantly mentioned to myself (excuse the amount of reminders I need to tell myself), there will never be a cookie cutter solution. I've seen it and done it in both my work and personal life, attempting to bring in a "model solution" into a company only to realise that the real world does not work that way, trying to imitate the regimes of people who succeeded in certain things. I somehow always end up falling short or faring worse than I initially did. To a large extent, having an initial set of instructions does help, but allowing yourself to fail and flexible allows for better conclusions (God, sometimes I love that I was an Arts student in uni). As the yogis put it, everyone is on their own journey.

3) Spaced consistency is key

Having that space to breathe and rest allows for sustainability and rekindled motivation. Allow a state complete rest and to work on frivolous things - many have coined this as "self care". Even more so, new and better ideas can even come from here.

To conclude, I guess, as with us physically, the state of mind is ever changing. Be it as it may, there's no one logical answer to answer life's questions. How do we logically answer everything we do/choose? and if we chose to do something and decide that our answers had changed later, should we be ridiculed just because it is not what we initially sought out to do? No. Our external environment is constantly changing, thoughts are constantly evolving, ever changing. If I said something now, perhaps in a few years things may change, just as we gain new knowledge and perspective. Perhaps this is how human kind has progressed, resulting in the undulated views of life across different generations. In all honesty, this conclusion is a tough one for me to swallow. Yet, somehow there is a beauty in it, in a way that you will always have that chance to choose, to rest, to rediscover.. Alright I'm not going to be all philosophical here but the point is, life is a journey not a destination. 

Ok back to watching and reading Coraline theories online and why Chinese women did foot binding in the past (ugh)... 

Goodnight.

About Last Weekend

I've been painting a lot recently. Time and time again, I feel like I should take my hobby a little more seriously.. well not too seriously.. somewhat seriously. 

Perhaps I should start working on those collaborations requests freelance work and earn some extra pocket money. 

Decided to start a portfolio site for the fun of it :) 

https://www.abigail-low.com