It's October already? Dang time flew. This entry is going to be completely unstructured as with my intent in the month of September.
I haven't been in this space for awhile and I did it intentionally. I've always been itching to update this space for awhile yet I knew I needed some time to take a respite from constantly wanted to be "productive" and make full use of my time to avoid burning out. I knew I had to keep sustainability in mind and sanity in check. I think I made a good call on this.
I didn't set any goals in September too and with it, the same reasons.
This month for me was about "letting go" mentally to find out what I really disliked, do what I truly enjoyed doing (and not with brute force of wanting to complete a short-term goal), understand what were the good and bad habits I've acquired and be fully immersed with quality time spent with people. In essence, I took this time to find out what I've become this year by being unapologetically me.
The whole process consisted of a weird wave of mixed emotions. There were many instances I felt really down and also many instances I felt extremely contented.
It's scary how cautious I can become when societal norms kick in. I find myself afraid to share my feelings and thoughts because everything feels black and white/ right or wrong - I end up contradicting 100% of my own opinions or when I encounter inconsistencies in my own ventures. I'm always afraid I do not hold true to my word and what I do, that somehow my perspectives would change and I end up being in a limbo of "could have, would have, should have". Yet in life there is indeed no absolutism in anything? everything answers with "it depends" (the consultant in me is screaming internally right now).
I guess I can see why religion or even family marks the center of people's lives - may I elaborate - happy people's lives. It brings consistency, a certain "constant" holding values that stand the test of time. In some way, that "constant" propels you to be certain of the choices made without having fears of rejection or failure because in the person's state of mind, he/she will be accepted somewhere or in someone's eyes. While I'm still finding this "woo-woo" out, I am pretty glad to obtain some form of awareness on this topic. I hope to get better at this, in good manner.
I just took a brief look at the monthly reviews I did this year and wow, I really grew alot. Funny, at this moment, I didn't feel I tried that hard. "How a year can change you" - truly.
If there's a quote of how 2020 had been for me so far, it would be by Forrest Gump - ""Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." you gotta learn to enjoy the ride ;)
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