This Insecurity

I'm currently at that point of time where I'm feeling an identity crisis. You know, that period where you just feel like deleting all you have on social media and redefining who you are because your life seems like it's an incredulous mess?! Yes, that's what I'm feeling right now..

It's just gonna be a wordy(but relatable piece of) entry, read at your own risk..

My phone's dead.
I can't backup my computer as I was supposed to.
I've yet to start on anything I have to do.

But all I feel surrounding me is a load of mess; physically and figuratively. "This sucks" the phrase is really an understatement to how I'm feeling. I wanted to pack my room, become a neat person but all I made it was an even bigger mess. I strived to take responsibility but really, I feel pretty discouraged by everyone around me. I I aspired to define myself yet the only thing I found describing myself is being really messy..

I feel like a weary load of disappointment.
You know I really hate writing negative entries especially on blogs because I hate looking back feeling stupid at how I was being an whiny emo bitch. And here I am, at a loss.

I feel restricted by everyone around me, like I am obligated to do something but I don't know what. I'm forced into this shell that I should be risk adverse instead of a risk taker. It's painful.

I'm supposed to get a proper job. What is a proper job?

I can't even be with the one I want, like I'm stucked in this subconscious state of obsessively feeling that  I'm being watched, under the surveillance of wary eyes. That discomfort of always have to think of different parties except for myself. Having to always be denied my own feelings. I can't even show anyone who I'm with and what I'm doing.

What am I left with? No conviction and no confidence.

I hate being clammed down, to think negatively, but I feel unhappy. I feel like I have no freedom, and very alone. It's like I've been condition to do what people please.. and every time I try to script my own life, someone takes the pen away from me and write their own.

and look, it's 12 a.m. another day has passed and another day had been wasted.